Father as guru

 One who lacks a protective father

I have always lacked a protective father

Bhagavan is taking me into weird experiences maybe due to prarabdha

I am unable to decide if I can even use the shastra mirror, in the absence of a healthy guru sishya relationship

Who is my guru

Is it swami paramarthananda?

Is it swamini svatmavidyananda?

Is it bhagavan?

Do I even have a guru?

OR I just imagined I have a guru protecting and nurturing me?

I am confused internally?

Prayers also lead to more confusion

Bhagavan confuses me even more

No body is there 

I am all alone

I can use the shastra and say I am divine consciousness

Hence all is me, I am not all alone

All I have is shastra now

I have just myself and the shastra mirror given by guru

He has given it completely

He will never refuse to teach

He has always taught

Per his mirror I can see myself

I see myself as pure nirguna chaitanyam

All that is here is me

The nama rupa is as though

The maya shakti is as though

The isvaratvam is as though